New York
Divorce Mediation Group

Stay at home Mom's, divorce and divorce mediation have unique needs.

The Stay At Home Mom — Entering the Workforce After Divorce.

Have you stayed at home with your children throughout your marriage?

After a divorce, the financial and practical responsibility of taking care of yourself and your children can seem overwhelming. As you contemplate entering the workforce for the first time after being a stay-at-home mom, take the process one step at a time. Instead of focusing on finding employment as an insurmountable task, lay out a step by step plan for the future after divorce. While your résumé may not have recent job experience, employers are also interested in skill sets and interests. Career coaches are available to turn those experiences and skills into a marketable employment profile and résumé.

You are not alone in the process of finding employment after divorce and should utilize your contacts to help you attain employment. Word-of-mouth may help you find viable employment opportunities. Often religious and community organizations offer support groups for people going through divorce and may also off job resources as well.  You may want to consider a return to school to complete a certificate or skills program to upgrade your skills to fit today’s market. If you were in a profession prior to being the primary care taker, reach out to professional associations in your field. Search the Internet for employment opportunities.

With the challenges and changes that a divorce and re-entry into the workforce bring, you need to remember to confidently prepare a comprehensive plan that will move you away  from the pain of divorce to become more independent financially and to provide new opportunities for your future.

Making the decision to get a divorce can take years of stressful buildup. To make matters worse, the end of your marriage often symbolizes the beginning of a very complicated process.  However, the divorce proceedings don’t have to be worse than making the actual decision to end your marriage.  By choosing the right path for you, the logistics of your divorce proceedings can remain in your control, and can be handled in a reasonable time-frame for a cost that won’t leave you out on the streets.

You have three options for handling your separation or divorce.  You may hire a divorce mediator to help you and your spouse negotiate your divorce,  each party hires a  divorce lawyer who will then represent you against your spouse. The third option is midway between the two, you each hire an attorney to represent you in settlement talks only, the attorney will not represent you in litigation.

If you are in the middle of a marriage breakup that you feel cannot be handled amicably, you may need the services of a divorce attorney.  However, this will cause you to lose much of your control over the proceedings, and can be both very costly and extremely time consuming.  Each party will hire an attorney and pay a sizable retainer fee to each lawyer.  You will be paying for phone calls and correspondence between your attorneys, your attorney’s and yourself as well as paying for the attorneys to file motions in court.  At the end of the day, most cases are settled without either party entering court.  Even if you do end up going to court, you most likely will not be satisfied.  There will be numerous delays to get on the court’s calendar because the courts are backlogged.  There are too few judges and too many cases  In  the end you may come away feeling that it was not a good idea to have the judge make the final decision.

A great way to avoid divorce court and all the time, money, and stress that comes along with it, is to use a divorce mediator. In mediation, the parties control the outcome by negotiating directly with each other on parenting and financial issues.  The mediator knows what issues have to be addressed and will guide you through the process.   Children in a divorce situation where a mediator is involved often handle the process better, as their parents are less stressed and maintain more control over the whole situation.  In addition, marriage breakups handled through a divorce mediator can be handled much more quickly if each spouse is willing to compromise, as they are not at the mercy of the court’s timeline.  When all is said and done, using a divorce mediator can eliminate much of the hassle and emotional stress that so often comes along with stereotypical divorce proceedings, helping both parties to move on with their lives  as quickly as possible.

If you choose the middle option, which is known as collaborative law, each spouse is represented by a lawyer, but you still avoid divorce court, as the lawyers typically work to reach a solution that meets both partners’ needs.  This may be option where one party feels that they will be dominated in direct negotiations with the other party.  You still have more control over the process than you would if you went the traditional route because you and your spouse will be in the same room, accompanied by your attorneys, during some or all of the settlement negotiations.

Talk honestly with your spouse and then determine if you should get separated?

This is a very personal question and one that only you can really answer.  Many couples come to a mutual agreement that it is best to physically separate from each other. They may have been in couples counseling and after a thorough process in therapy, have come to realize that the marriage is over and it makes sense to go their separate ways.  It is more often the case that one spouse wants the separation and the other doesn’t.  In either case, once at least one spouse has decided that they want to separate, generally it will happen sooner or later.

If any of the following circumstances has occurred for you, you may find it prudent to consider a separation:

• You cannot communicate with each other without a constant argument
• You have tried couple counseling and at least one of you has decided the marriage is over and a separation from each other is the next logical step
• You are both fighting and the tension in the house is affecting the children
• One of you has moved out of the marital home
• There is distrust between the spouses that cannot be resolved
• You are more roommates than soul mates
• You have come to realize that your values and interests are no longer compatible

If your personal reasons are not included in the list, the important thing to remember is that if you feel that you can no longer live comfortably together in the same house, it may be time to consider a separation.

An initial physical separation can bring a much needed “time out” and a cooling off period within which to reconsider other means to work on the marriage.  The separation period can give you time to explore other options to either resolve your differences or to seek to end the marriage.

While we go into great detail about this issue during a mediation, here is the  general overview of custody arrangements. In New York State, a child is still considered unemancipated until age 21 (or 22 if they are still enrolled full time in college) with a few exceptions; if they marry after 18, join the armed forces or work full time after the age of 18.

There are several types of child custody arrangements that parents who are separating can choose from when deciding what is best for them and the children:  joint custody, joint residential custody, split custody or sole custody.

Joint custody means joint decision making.  This includes all the major issues around the children’s education, religious instruction and health.  Couples who choose this arrangement often choose one parent to be the primary residential custodial parent.  In this situation, the children will reside more than half the time – usually the majority of the time with one parent.  Day to day decisions are made by the parent who has the child on that particular day.   Our experience is that many couples who work things out in mediation often choose joint custody with primary residential custody being with one parent or the other.

Joint residential custody is when the child spends an equal amount of time with each parent .

Split custody is sometimes chosen when one or more children will reside with one parent and the other children will reside with the other parent. This arrangement is more unusual but not impossible to implement.  In cases where the children are older and want to have a voice in where they live, or where one child gets along better with one parent than the other, couples will choose split custody.

Sole custody is rarely the preferred option for the couples we have mediated.  Sole custody means that the child lives with one parent and that parent makes all the major decisions.  The other parent may have child visitation.

Divorce is an overwhelming situation for all involved. As if the actual marriage breakup isn’t enough, there are typically children to worry about, not to mention the division of every asset and debt you never even knew you had.

Your two main options are to either use a divorce mediator or a divorce lawyer. If you are in a situation where one or both parties is having a hard time representing themselves or speaking up for their needs (such as a marriage breakup where there is a concern that one party is hiding assets), your only choice may be a divorce attorney. One choice which falls in between these two methods is collaborative law, in which each party is represented by a divorce lawyer, but the two divorce attorneys work together to come to a workable solution, rather than leaving it in the hands of the court.

However, if you would like to avoid divorce court as well as expensive divorce attorney fees, a divorce mediator may be for you. If you feel that your marriage breakup can be handled relatively amicably, this is a great option that will save you endless amounts of time and money. Choosing a divorce mediator means having someone who is neutral help you to negotiate the details of your divorce, present options, and help with you and your future ex-spouse come to an agreement that meets both of your needs. They can help to advise you in all legal matters involved with divorce proceedings as well as prepare a separation agreement and file divorce papers.

In addition, many divorce mediators are not only trained in the legal aspects of divorce proceedings, but are trained therapists as well. This means that they are fully aware of how to best handle the emotional stress that can come along with these difficult times, and will do their best to work with all parties in the most positive and productive way possible. This is especially important if you have children, as divorce mediators work to be sure that everyone’s needs are met and that everyone is able to move on with their lives as quickly and easily as possible.

If you think that your divorce can be handled through a divorce mediator, there is no doubt that it can be infinitely healthier and less expensive to avoid divorce court and save what dignity is left of your relationship.

It sometimes does happen that couples who seek the help of a mediator discover that divorce is not necessarily the only solution.

Sometimes couples seek the help of a mediator when they feel that there is no other solution yet the very act of beginning the process of separating can be a wake up call to one or both of the parties that this may be the last opportunity to save the marriage. Once couples set aside some of the negative emotions that promote conflict in order to deal with the more practical issues surrounding separation and divorce, and begin working together in an amicable way, it sometimes becomes apparent to both parties that there may be some hope of rebuilding the marriage. At any point during the process the couple can make a determination to seek marriage counseling and to put the mediation process on hold.  This is another reason why mediation is a smarter alternative to a litigated and contentious situation where parties tend to get more entrenched in their separate positions.

The mediation process focuses on parenting issues, other concerns about children, child support, maintenance and how to equitably divide assets and debts.  For some couples these discussions can lead to feelings of regret about the dissolution of the family structure or practical concerns about the economics of living in two separate households with fewer resources. These concerns may motivate couples to seek another opportunity to work on the marriage.  At this point a mediator can recommend an experienced marital and family therapist to help the couple. If reconciliation ultimately proves not to be possible the couple can resume mediation.

Dividing your assets and debts during a marriage breakup can be a difficult, emotional and time-consuming activity. When there is a lot of fighting over particular items, some people just give up and allow everything they own to be granted to the other party “just to get it over with”, but this is hardly fair.  It is understandable, though, given the emotional turmoil that can occur when you are going through a difficult divorce.

Everything that you obtained during your marriage – including your house, cars, checking and savings accounts, retirement plans, and furniture – to name a few,  are part of your marital property, as is credit card debt, the mortgage, school loans and other debt.   Assets and liabilities are considered in the distribution, so that neither party is unduly burdened financially in an already emotionally trying period.

The law provides for an “equitable distribution” of marital property. That means that every asset or debt that you both acquired while married, with a few exceptions, is to be divided between you.  What is “equitable”, however, doesn’t necessarily mean “equal”, the goal is to divide marital property as fairly as possible.   It is your responsibility to accurately report all debts and assets.

Coming to an agreement, rather than letting a judge decide can make matters much easier, which is one of the ways that a divorce mediator can help.  Through mediation, we can help you to discuss and determine what the best division of marital property might look like for both of you, including presenting all the various options that might be available to you, rather than have your case go before a judge who may not distribute your property in a way that you would prefer.

One of the primary benefits of going through mediation rather than the traditional litigation route is that it fosters a more cooperative environment that is extremely beneficial for children who are also going through divorce with you. Children in a divorce can be deeply affected when their parents choose to separate, just as their parents often are, in terms of stress, worry and fear of impending changes. A divorce mediator is trained to help promote an environment of safety and to assist parents in talking with their children to help them express their own fears and desires. A mediator trained in family therapy and family dynamics can provide resources for parents and children to help them understand how their lives will change and how an impending parenting plan will impact them.

Rather than using children as weapons in a battle for custody in court, mediation gives parents the opportunity not only to work with mediators and lawyers to put together the best parenting plan for both parents as well as for the children, but also to be strong role models for their children. This goes a long way in allaying the fears that children in a divorce may have and in continuing a loving and supportive relationship with your children in the years ahead.

Putting the best interests of children first is the foundation to an effective parenting plan. Couples work with a divorce mediator to put together the best parenting plan that meets the specific needs of their children are likely to continue to cooperate after the divorce. This benefits their children immeasurably, giving them a feeling of security even though the original family unit has been restructured.

Mediators can help couples with an objective and knowledgeable body of experience to work from, which is a great resource for all involved.

Given the tough economy, many husbands and wives are financially constrained to live together under the same roof, often until their house is sold, even though they would love to live separately during the divorce process.  As mediators, we work with spouses to make sure that this transition period is as tolerable as possible.

You first need to figure out what the chief source or sources of conflict are between you and your spouse.  If it’s not having enough time for yourself, one way to have more time is to work out an “interim” parenting plan.  The goal here is to have established times either during the week and/or on weekends when one parent will be totally responsible for the children.  So, for example, if one spouse needs alone time at home, the other spouse will take the children out of the house for a set period of time.  If it’s the other way around, the spouse responsible for the children will watch them at home and the other spouse is free to carry out their activities.

We recommend that both spouses sit down together or e-mail each other their schedules and their children’s schedules for the upcoming month in order to work out who will have the children on which day.  Once you both agree on the schedule, you’ll be able to follow it and give each other needed breaks.  The children will also benefit as they will get used to the idea that they will be doing something with each parent separately in the future.  And if this schedule reduces their parents’ stress, it will give the children a calmer home life.

Another typical stressor is handling the bills.  In mediation, we have each of you do a budget. You would be amazed at what you spend each month on things you forgot about.  Clearly, while you’re living together, the essential bills need to be paid. They include the mortgage, utilities, cell phones, food, car payments and the children’s extracurricular activities and the like.  One spouse needs to line out the bills for a month, so that each of you knows what is going out and for what.  Then you both need to agree who pays what or what percentage of each bill you will pay.  You’ll also have to decide what constitutes discretionary expenses, such as eating out, going to the movies, gym memberships, etc.  One option is to agree that each of you will be responsible for your own discretionary expenses and have those expenses paid out of a separate account.  This is probably the time when you want to separate your credit cards, so that each of you will pay for your own discretionary expenses.  You will probably want to keep one joint account and one joint credit card for those expenses that you have agreed are necessary to keep the household going.

Carrying on your own independent lives when you are living together is another challenge.  If you both understand that at some point you may want to date other people, how can this be done when you’re in the same home?  First, the children must be considered. In most agreements, the parties decide when it would be appropriate to introduce a significant other.  For most parties, this will not only depend upon the age of the children, but also the seriousness of the relationship.  It may be better for everyone to be discreet and wait until six months or a year after you are living separately to introduce the significant other to the children.

As divorce mediators, we will work with you on the parenting schedule, finances and privacy issues to help you keep arguments to a minimum. Our divorce mediators include a social worker who has a lot of experience in working with families in transition. However, it may also be a good idea for you to go to a counselor together or individual therapist to work on communicating in such a way as to minimize pushing each other’s buttons and to respect each other’s privacy until the time comes when you are physically separated and can lead your own independent lives.

Talking to your children in a divorce situation is one of the most important things you will do during your marriage breakup. While there is no exact science to this type of conversation, and certainly the age of the children and their sensitivity and maturity levels are factors, there are definitely a few guidelines you can follow that will help to keep your discussion productive and as positive as possible for you, your spouse, and your children. If you are able, it can be extremely helpful to enlist the services of a divorce mediator who is skilled in family counseling, but by sticking to a few simple rules, talking to your children in a divorce situation can be a helpful step towards navigating your divorce proceedings as smoothly as possible.

First, you will want to be sure to talk to your children together with your spouse initially if at all possible. Children are usually very sensitive to discord in the family and likely have picked up on tensions within the household. For the sake of the children and for as amicable a situation as possible in going forward, if both of you can assure the children that you will both do everything possible to make this situation as comfortable as possible for them such an initial conversation will go a long way in maintaining good relationships within the family. This is also an important foundation for your future relationship with your ex because often for years to come the two of you will need to consult with one another about issues regarding the children and to work together in scheduling on a weekly basis as well as for holidays and summer vacations. As you probably know, children can have quite a vivid imagination, and it is very easy for them to assume the worst and build up unnecessary levels of stress and anxiety if they don’t know what’s going on. Talking to them early on helps them to build trust with you and enables them to feel confident that this stressful time will be handled by their parents in the best way possible.

You will also want to avoid talking about any unnecessary details regarding the cause of the divorce. Make an agreement with your spouse before talking to your kids and discuss the level of detail to be disclosed. Anything that does not have to do with the logistics of how their daily lives will change does not need to be brought up. Children are usually most concerned about where everyone will be living. Lastly, prepare for strong emotional reactions. No matter how the discussion goes, it is likely that your children will be dealing with many emotions, whether during the talk or after. Preparing yourself for this will make these reactions much easier to deal with.

Again, a divorce mediator is a good idea as a long term plan to handle your divorce proceedings, but these guidelines should give you a good start towards a productive and honest conversation with those you care about most.